Thursday, September 23, 2010

EDITORIAL: Joys Of The Internet

Just Thinking Out Loud
By Gary Jaramillo

Ahh, Internet love ….
I was watching the news this week and saw the story about 15 year old Samantha Hernandez who ran off to Brazil with a much older man that she met on the Internet. Unreal. Just ridiculous.
The parents are beside themselves with stress and the little girl says she’d rather jump off a bridge into Piranhas and Sharks before she’d go back home to her family. No Samantha, please don’t do that.
Come home in one piece sweetheart so I can throw you off the bridge into the Piranhas and Sharks right after I skin your hide with my skinny belt.
The nerve of that little girl just running off with the predator she met online. He should be brought back here and just his pinky toe held in a red ant hole somewhere. Yeah, I said it! A RED ANT HOLE!!
Teensy little red ants slowly eat his pinky toe off and he’ll never forget the horrible thing he did by taking that goofy little girl to another country with a fake passport and identification.
And can you believe - the officials in Brazil turned the girl over to the predators family for safe keeping until they decide what to do???
They already know her parents names and where they live – sooo smack her butt and put her on the very next plane out of there! Oh but noooo ….. I ….. uh …. Okay – I gotta calm down.
I’m getting a little too upset about this. Sometimes the Internet really sucks because there really isn’t a way to protect reeeally dumb little girls from believing that some scum bucket from lord knows where – really and truly loves her. Not even the child security lock thingy’s they put into computers these days work for sure.
Kids can always find a way around that pseudo security stuff. Gross lonely creeps send dorky little girls photos of a handsome devils - like me – and of course the girl falls head over heels and before you know it she’s sitting on a beach in Brazil having a Shirley Temple with Jabba the Hutaphile.
Okay, I’m done. Gotta go, my girlfriend who says she’s a 27 year old super model from the Ukraine is going to email me any minute now. Gotta go shower and change into my newest Hawaiian shirt so she gets a good look at me through the old webcam - looking super cute.
Yeah, it was love at first byte.
I almost have her convinced that I’m 27 too, and a 6’ 3” 210 lb. professional tennis player. Hey, I’m just adding a little sugar to the beef cake, not lying to her by any stretch of the imagination guys. Anyway, where was I – oh - kids are silly and jump into anything for love.
Not me.
Svetlana loves me more than any ting. She’s so cute when she says, any ting. The crazy kid is just head over heels for me. She can’t help it, I’m a catch. Hey, there’s nothing wrong with knowing you’re a beautiful man is there?
Yup, That’s my Svetlana. She says that she’s coming to meet me just as soon as I can send her $25,000 for a new outfit and a plane ticket.
Man, am I excited!

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